I don’t have a time machine… but I can go back in time and re-create the reality of the past. Not that I live in the past and am not happy about the present, but sometimes I get nostalgic feeling. Sometimes I miss who I was before. I miss the places and people, I miss the extremely intense feelings only the first experiences bring and the careless lifestyle only the very young people have.

Today I went back exactly 15 years. I walked back all those 15 years one by one to get to 1999… Back then my life was full of dreams and hopes. Back then I did not know that none of them would come true. The hopes were destroyed and the dreams replaced by the reality later. The second half of the 1999 was the year that changed my life and turned it upside down. But that was after the time I went back to in my mind.

All the changes and events that happened during those 15 years melted now. I re-created the time, when I was still blissfully ignorant and the dreams and the hopes were still walking next to me in the rhythm of my high heels ticking on the asphalt.

I don’t have a time machine… but I can go back and re-create the reality of the past. How? Easy and fast…

First I took the perfume I had back then and sprayed it at my hair. Then I went to my laptop and put on the earphones. The songs, which inspired me back then left the earphones and flew to my ears. Once the cold bottle of beer was open I had all that was needed. Then I closed my eyes and opened my senses. The sounds of music that spread inside me brought back the old me. I shook my head and the scent of the perfume coming from my hair reminded me of different events and people. Slowly, minute after minute, I was approaching 1999…

I felt young again. Young, confident, maybe lonely but still happy… Life was full of expectations… Back then I did not know that I will face tough choices. Even worse, that at some point I will not have even a single choice. Back then I lived for the moment and did not realize that for 15 years I will be re-visiting those moments with bitter sweet feelings.

Memories can get funny sometimes. They come to my mind like completely unrelated snapshots.

I recall my favorite trousers, God knows why. In my memories I watch myself sitting on the windowsill watching the rain outside. The raindrops hit the glass and slide down and I follow them with my finger from my side of the glass. I recall a friend who died in a car crash when he was only 19. Also I recalled the times, when I drank martini from a teacup – in darkness and silence… and alone. There were long distance phone calls and questions from mum and many untold secrets she will never know about. Me riding a bike in the park… The melting balance of my bank account… The biggest bookstore I had seen by then… Few dates with friends, that stayed only friends… My white hat, which looked awkward with my black military coat but I wore them together anyway… the rock concerts that made my soul sing… My first short stories typed on ancient desktop… the Internet dial up sound… the day and the shop where I bought the perfume, which I can smell on my hair now… the cute shop assistant in Massimo Dutti I never got the courage to approach… the city that I am still in love with… my graduation ceremony to which no one from my family came… first trip to Amsterdam… my broken arm… me sitting on a suitcase and crying because I did not want to leave…

1999 – just 4 numbers next to each other, but such an intense year. A year, which I will never forget in my life… The year, which brought me to where I am now…The year, which eventually made me who I am now… 1999 – when I was both the happiest and the most miserable in my life.

The year I can go back to anytime without a time machine!

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